Have you ever found yourself in this situation: you’re at the airport, gleefully pushing over children to sprint for your plane that’s leaving in a mere four hours, happily standing in line to board before the guy in the wheelchair was even called up, when some jerk says something calm and level-headed like, “what’s the hurry, we’re all going to leave at the same time anyways…”?
Yeah, thanks a lot Ghandi, why don’t you non-violently kiss my ass!
I know we’ve all been there, and it sucks, but don’t worry! We’ve put together a quick and easy post to help keep those ugly rational thoughts out of your head and keep you on the track towards herd-mentality-panic and a conspicuous lack of common sense – where you belong!
1) TSA Guidelines
Make sure you’ve never paid any attention to any TSA rules or announcements in your life. “What the – my liquids have to be in clear bottles? And only 3 ounces? How can I possibly get drunk with only 3 ounces of Everclear in my carry-on?!” is what you should be saying at security.
For bonus points, make sure you don’t listen to anything they say over the loudspeakers while you’re at the airport, then roll your eyes and act exasperated when you have to follow whatever-the-hell it was you just finished not listening to.
2) Early Bird Boarding
Never, under any circumstances, should you ever listen to what they’re saying when the plane starts boarding. You’re in First Class? Wait till they’re half-way through then barge past everyone in line cause you’re obviously better than them. You’re in Zone 5? Try to get in with First Class, and if they turn you away, try again with every zone. It’s a numbers game – the more times you try, the better your odds will be to make it!
And remember, it absolutely matters when you get on the plane, cause seats are almost never assigned, the plane always leaves whenever the pilot feels like it, and chaos generally moves things along more quickly.
3) Flying With Baby
It’s best to keep your babies distracted and their mouths open to help with the pressure in their ears. The best way to do this is to keep them crying and screaming through takeoff and landing… and what the hell, during the rest of the time too.
Our recommendation? Keep a pushpin or pen knife in your pocket and poke them with it routinely during the flight. Don’t worry, I’ve never seen anything saying those aren’t approved by the TSA….
4) Bring the Right Carry-On
Remember, the bigger the better! If someone at the ticket counter wants you to test the fit in their little sizermajig thing, simply remind them that they’re below you, and that they should probably bow in your presence, and to never look you directly in the eye, as this is a sign of great disrespect. This has the added benefit of making them cranky for everyone getting to the counter after you – always entertaining.
And if your right-sized bag doesn’t quite fit in the overhead, find the most fragile looking bags in the airplane and smash them with your bag until they submit to your will.
5) Primal Screams
Nervous Nelly? Any little sound or movement of the plane sets visions of flying limbs and somehow-burning-to-death-while–simultaneously-drowning dancing through your head? Feel free to relieve that stress by gasping, screaming, or sobbing uncontrollably. It really makes a stressful situation that much worse for everyone else, and has the added benefit of not achieving anything good for you. Win win!
6) Phone etiquette
You don’t have to go it alone on your quest for epic-shittiness – phoning a friend can be a great tactic! Also, it’s important to remind others of how important you think you are; the second the plane lands, I want you on your phone talking as loudly as possible so everyone knows how uber-important you are. Doesn’t matter who with, or what you’re talking about, just do it!
Let’s practice – “No Mother, there is a difference between Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip, and so help me, if there’s Mayonnaise on my sandwich, I will… I WILL… (primal scream)Arrrrghghghghghghrughallslsl!!!” That should let everyone know you mean business, and your scream should already be warmed up from the flight.
7) Be sure to smell nice
You don’t want to smell the stink of hundreds of brainless, shark-eyed peons crammed into a sardine tin together with you. Be sure to unleash the full contents of your perfume or cologne bottle before boarding an airplane – the more you smell like an old hen getting dolled up for bingo night, the better.
And don’t worry about the asthma sufferers and people with chemical sensitivity – they’re just lucky that their last, shallow little breaths were filled with the intoxicating aroma of your Chanel No. 5.
8) Comfort is king
Always recline your seat as far as it will go, at all times during the flight. This is especially important if they give you a meal, as it will aid your digestion and shove the tray of the person behind you through their belly and straight into their spinal column.
But of course, if they read these tips, they wouldn’t be so foolish to try and sit-up to eat their food in the first place. Suckers… That’s why you’re an expert flyer and they’re not 😉
All Aboard for Planet Douchelon!
Well folks, there you have it! Just follow these basic principles of flight, and you can easily turn what would be a reasonably pleasant experience – no less a miracle of modern technology and convenience – into a truly horrible shit-storm for the ages. Enjoy!
BIO: Andy and Becki are just your average Midwestern couple, full of the usual cheese and spunk. They just got back from a two-month trip to Europe and Mexico, and are in the middle of figuring out what to do with their lives. Come along for the ride at http://discoverwithandy.com/oyl/, and if you liked the post (or thought it was horrid) let them know on their Facebook page.