My Best Friend Shits Glitter – Or How to Make a Unicorn Piñata

It had been a long time coming. Over a lifetime of broken BFF hearts, lovely besties, and everything in between, I’m happy to say that I’ve finally found my official sidekick. My partner in crime. Someone that gives me the same amount of energy and care that I put in. That is a HUGE DEAL. I’ve been known to be a rug – and waiting for her to arrive in my 30s was totally worth it. Enter the unicorn piñata.

This is Claire and me. We’re pretty amazeballs.

So for her [mumble mumble]th birthday party I decided to make my magnum opus of all birthday gifts.

Sure, I could write a haiku, a memoir, or a singing telegram about Claire – but this is not what this is about. This is about how to make a kickass, over the top [in a deep, movie trailer voice] unicorn piñata [add the echo here].

So grab your crafting supplies and lets get started.

STEP 1 TO YOUR UNICORN PIÑATA

Grab a burro piñata procured at your local Mexican grocery store. Don’t have one? Sucks to be you! I have no clue where to get piñatas if you don’t live in a culturally diverse area. Amazon? I dunno. But you need it.

STEP 2

Strip that motherfucker down to the cardboard shell and trim the ears down a bit. No one wants a unicorn mule. Everyone wants a unicorn piñata.

Think of it as the piñata underbelly of awesome.

 

STEP 3

Take a margarita break. Crafting situations like these require tequila. As you can see in the above picture, I had already started with my margarita consumption, as well as a healthy side of chips and salsa – because, TEXAS!

Also, not all crafting situations require tequila. I’ve received my fair share of hot glue gun burns. JUST SAY NO.

STEP 4

Add a derpy mouth. Because a unicorns piñata is happy and should be smiling incessantly all the time.

 

 

STEP 5

Take a minute to admire your handiwork because the hell known as putting the tissue paper back onto the piñata is a huge pain in the ass and 10 hours of your time is about to be sucked into oblivion.

STEP 6

Cut tissue paper and plaster it it to the piñata. I started with the face. THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA. Do not do this. Start from the legs up.

 

STEP 7

Yell at your husband to make you another margarita as he lazily watches TV and smirks at the noises of frustration coming out of your mouth. Drink said margarita.

 

STEP 8

Add a sparkly horn. This can be done by creating a cone out of gold sparkly foam paper from your local craft store. Hot glue the shit out of it.

I got a free pass to bring this in my house as Shaun is incredibly anti-glitter.

 

STEP 9

Add giant googly eyes (everything is better with googly eyes) and fake eyelashes from that time you tried to put on fake eyelashes for the first time and ended up with glue all over your real eyelashes and the fake ones are a little wonky now.

 

STEP 10

Have another margarita to honor those feelings of anxiety you had about said fake eyelashes.

STEP 11

Admire your work, you’ve come a long way, baby.

 

STEP 12

Add a rainbow tissue paper mane. You remember that time in elementary school where you made those Christmas wreaths out of green tissue paper wrapped around the end of your pencil? It is kinda like that, but less 2nd grade.

If you would like, add a star to the back with the leftover gold foam paper you may have.

 

STEP 13

Add a glorious rainbow tail. I glued all of the rainbow colored paper together, folded it like a fan, and cut strips. I then rolled the short end of the tissue paper to:

a) Have it to where the tail is up in the air a bit.
b) Have something in which I could glue to the unicorn ass.

 

STEP 14

Add a gaping hole in the butt. This will allow you to put all sorts of amazing things into the piñata. I contacted quite a few mutual friends to add to the pile of awesome inside the unicorn. Ideas include:

1. A scarf (so one end can be pulled out slowly)
2. Booze
3. Small plushies. I think she got a sperm one.
4. Notes of encouragement
5. Those folded fortune teller things you made when you were 12
6. More booze
7. Various adult gifts
8. Candy

My friends are cosmically creative as well. One friend even brought over an old birthday card that sang when you opened it. So, in this case, when the butt flap was opened to get the gifts, the Star Wars theme song played.

 

STEP 15

Sit back and watch while your BFF sticks her arm into the unicorn to receive her presents.

And so if you have someone that is amazing enough to make something like this for, consider yourself lucky – and enjoy!