Have you ever found yourself in this situation: you’re at the airport, gleefully pushing over children to sprint for your plane that’s leaving in a mere four hours, happily standing in line to board before the guy in the wheelchair was even called up, when some jerk says something calm and level-headed like, “what’s the hurry, we’re all going to leave at the same time anyways…”?
Yeah, thanks a lot Ghandi, why don’t you non-violently kiss my ass!
I know we’ve all been there, and it sucks, but don’t worry! We’ve put together a quick and easy post to help keep those ugly rational thoughts out of your head and keep you on the track towards herd-mentality-panic and a conspicuous lack of common sense – where you belong!
1) TSA Guidelines
Make sure you’ve never paid any attention to any TSA rules or announcements in your life. “What the – my liquids have to be in clear bottles? And only 3 ounces? How can I possibly get drunk with only 3 ounces of Everclear in my carry-on?!” is what you should be saying at security.
For bonus points, make sure you don’t listen to anything they say over the loudspeakers while you’re at the airport, then roll your eyes and act exasperated when you have to follow whatever-the-hell it was you just finished not listening to.
2) Early Bird Boarding
Never, under any circumstances, should you ever listen to what they’re saying when the plane starts boarding. You’re in First Class? Wait till they’re half-way through then barge past everyone in line cause you’re obviously better than them. You’re in Zone 5? Try to get in with First Class, and if they turn you away, try again with every zone. It’s a numbers game – the more times you try, the better your odds will be to make it!
And remember, it absolutely matters when you get on the plane, cause seats are almost never assigned, the plane always leaves whenever the pilot feels like it, and chaos generally moves things along more quickly.
3) Flying With Baby
It’s best to keep your babies distracted and their mouths open to help with the pressure in their ears. The best way to do this is to keep them crying and screaming through takeoff and landing… and what the hell, during the rest of the time too.
Our recommendation? Keep a pushpin or pen knife in your pocket and poke them with it routinely during the flight. Don’t worry, I’ve never seen anything saying those aren’t approved by the TSA….
4) Bring the Right Carry-On
Remember, the bigger the better! If someone at the ticket counter wants you to test the fit in their little sizermajig thing, simply remind them that they’re below you, and that they should probably bow in your presence, and to never look you directly in the eye, as this is a sign of great disrespect. This has the added benefit of making them cranky for everyone getting to the counter after you – always entertaining.
And if your right-sized bag doesn’t quite fit in the overhead, find the most fragile looking bags in the airplane and smash them with your bag until they submit to your will.
5) Primal Screams
Nervous Nelly? Any little sound or movement of the plane sets visions of flying limbs and somehow-burning-to-death-while–simultaneously-drowning dancing through your head? Feel free to relieve that stress by gasping, screaming, or sobbing uncontrollably. It really makes a stressful situation that much worse for everyone else, and has the added benefit of not achieving anything good for you. Win win!
6) Phone etiquette
You don’t have to go it alone on your quest for epic-shittiness – phoning a friend can be a great tactic! Also, it’s important to remind others of how important you think you are; the second the plane lands, I want you on your phone talking as loudly as possible so everyone knows how uber-important you are. Doesn’t matter who with, or what you’re talking about, just do it!
Let’s practice – “No Mother, there is a difference between Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip, and so help me, if there’s Mayonnaise on my sandwich, I will… I WILL… (primal scream)Arrrrghghghghghghrughallslsl!!!” That should let everyone know you mean business, and your scream should already be warmed up from the flight.
7) Be sure to smell nice
You don’t want to smell the stink of hundreds of brainless, shark-eyed peons crammed into a sardine tin together with you. Be sure to unleash the full contents of your perfume or cologne bottle before boarding an airplane – the more you smell like an old hen getting dolled up for bingo night, the better.
And don’t worry about the asthma sufferers and people with chemical sensitivity – they’re just lucky that their last, shallow little breaths were filled with the intoxicating aroma of your Chanel No. 5.
8) Comfort is king
Always recline your seat as far as it will go, at all times during the flight. This is especially important if they give you a meal, as it will aid your digestion and shove the tray of the person behind you through their belly and straight into their spinal column.
But of course, if they read these tips, they wouldn’t be so foolish to try and sit-up to eat their food in the first place. Suckers… That’s why you’re an expert flyer and they’re not 😉
All Aboard for Planet Douchelon!
Well folks, there you have it! Just follow these basic principles of flight, and you can easily turn what would be a reasonably pleasant experience – no less a miracle of modern technology and convenience – into a truly horrible shit-storm for the ages. Enjoy!
BIO: Andy and Becki are just your average Midwestern couple, full of the usual cheese and spunk. They just got back from a two-month trip to Europe and Mexico, and are in the middle of figuring out what to do with their lives. Come along for the ride at http://discoverwithandy.com/oyl/, and if you liked the post (or thought it was horrid) let them know on their Facebook page.
This is hilarious! Talking loud is annoying, we really don’t need to know everyone’s conversation. I have been guilty of smelling nice, but not any more. lol Are you guilty of any of these?
Hey Andy, have you been monitoring your caffeine levels, cos this post is hilariously whacked. I was once on a small commuter airplane flying between Newark and Toronto when a woman whipped out a bottle of perfume about 20 minutes before landing and proceeded to spritz herself with it several times. That may be the closest I’ll ever come to experiencing homicidal rage, as I am allergic to perfume and she might as well have had her hands around my throat. In hindsight she was obviously from Planet Douchelon where they encourage this sort of thing.
Hey Steph! Andy had told me that I should start working on a list of things that annoy us while air traveling, so when he came home my list was complete! After I read it to him, his face was priceless and he couldn’t even form words. With some much editing, but still fun, this is the post! I know what you mean with the perfume, I cannot handle a lot of scents and I start sneezing and wheezing like crazy, so it is uber annoying when women do that!
i don’t care who you are, if a baby starts crying on a plane, you hate it.
Hilarious post guys! This sounds like every flight I’ve been on in China.
During my last trip to Shanghai, both on the way there and on the return, everyone had these massive carry-on bags, plus about 8 shopping bags. It was a mad dash while they were all trying to board the plane when it wasn’t their turn. When I finally got on the plane, the attendants apologized because they didn’t even have room for my laptop bag– so they had to keep it up in first class even though I was 2nd to last row in economy! haha
I guess now I know why everyone was trying to board the plane asap!
I know I spray on perfume everyday because it is nice, but only a squirt or two! I guess another one I am guilty of that is not on the list is standing right away after we get up the termack even though it will take 20 some minutes to get off the plane! But I like to stretch!
True dat!!
As someone who spent about 36 hours on airports and in planes going to Alaska and back over the last couple weeks. . . this list made my blood pressure spike to levels which are probably not medically recommended.
Re phone etiquette – I was on a flight recently and as we were taking off down the runway the guy next to me answered a phonecall and continued chatting for the entire take off! I was fuming!
Love this – haven’t smirked, giggled or snickered so much in a long time. The extra bonus points made me laugh out loud – for real.
Oh man! I can’t even believe that! Reminds me when we had a short flight from Gatwick to Dublin with Ryan Air. We’ve never flown them before, and had no idea what to expect. The term airbus is exactly what that was! We were early to the airport and getting to the waiting area for the plane, but the midwesterns that we are let people pass us and took our time boarding the plane – which was out on the runway, and had thought it was weird to pick any seat in the plane! But we did find two seats, and crammed ourselves in with our belongings. Ugh, it was just annoying all around!
Thanks Maria! We had a great time writing up this post. It just makes us realize what we put up in order to travel!
Blllaahhh!! Why are people so dang rude?? I would have probably punched him – or my other pet peeve – heavily sighing while he was talking! 😉
We feel your pain, Jess! I swear the most annoyed I was is when we flew from London to Dallas – Fort Worth – and the lady in front of me had her seat reclined the whole 8.5 hour flight! I had to eat with my food practically on my chest and couldn’t stretch my legs out. I was ready to be the seat kicking child after that!
Someone please invent a teleport machine ;P Not a fan of long haul air travel. Considering that it takes me ages to fly out of Australia to anywhere!
Ugh, that sounds awful! At least you were able to find two seats though.
I guess us midwesterners should just stop being so nice letting everyone go ahead of us! ;P
Or like when you’re eating and the person in front of you still leans their chair back. Noice. I love wearing my food.
Agreed! Or when they pick a really smelly food to eat… blah!
I’m agreeing with you there, Anthony! Please invent the teleport machine… PLEASE!
Don’t forget to drink lots of fluids before boarding the plane, and continue to drink while on the plane, so that you can stretch your legs constantly by having to get up from your window seat and go to the bathroom at the end of the plane!
YES. Make sure to hit everyone sitting in the rows as well on your way out.