While I’ve had my fair share of rants these past few weeks I thought I would delve a little deeper into a more personal matter. I am writing out my fears on my blog to make them less scary.
Pardon my French but I can say without a doubt that I am scared speaking Spanish in Central/South America.
I am what is termed a multiracial child. I go past the biracial definition and directly into the 1/8 of that, the 3/8 of that, 1/32 this. You get my point. Everything has started to get a bit muddled to the point where I just flat out confuse people.
What are you?
..is a question that I am familiar with. I find myself more connected culturally to my Hispanic/Mexican roots and so I celebrate and preserve the traditions accordingly. As much as I would love to celebrate the Apache in me, I just don’t know much about it. Did I mention that I am also Spanish, English, and possibly gypsy of some sort?
My mother never really taught me Spanish. I learned a few words here and there but I think for the most part she wanted us to be full blooded Americans so that part was lost. I reclaimed that identity on my own in high school and college and am still the only child of my parents that can somewhat speak our “native” tongue. I was even one of the first Latin American Customer Support Representatives for the video game company I worked for. Try learning Spanish while simultaneously trying to grasp leet speak – in SPANISH. Porque became por k and so on and so forth.
But for some reason, even though I typed Spanish for a while, I am terrified of speaking it to native speakers.
When I was a teenager and working my menial cooking job at Pizza Hut, I had a very upset Hispanic woman yell at me because I was unable to carry on a conversation with a customer on the phone.
You are a shame being Latina and not being able to speak our language.
I tell you. That can f*ck you up for life. And it did.
If you hang out with me to any degree you know that the only way I speak Spanish is if I am two sheets to the wind. My walls drop at this point and I go, full speed ahead (*toot toot*) with no shame with my grammatical errors and all the glory.
So part of the reason I wanted to head to Central and South America is twofold.
1.) I wanted to reclaim my heritage.
2.) I wanted to show the world that Americans can speak more than one language.
Long term travelers know that they are working on themselves and the world. What things have you purposely gone out of your way to work on during your travels?
When I was 4, my family up and moved to Ecuador for 5 years. Chock it up to a midlife crisis. I became literate in Spanish before English and was totally fluent when I was 9 and moved back to the States.
I haven’t really used my Spanish since then, despite nearly annual visits to Mexico and living in very hispanic neighborhoods in NYC. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve pretty much lost my Spanish and, much like you, am sort of terrified to try it with native speakers, even though I used to converse with native speakers all the time when I was a kid!
What I’m hoping for is that somewhere in the back of my brain all that Spanish is still there. I guess the only way to find out is to dive right in the deep end and try with some natives, right?
I am by no means biracial but I can complete relate in the sense that even after 1 year of being in Italy and learning, I am afraid to tell people that I speak Italian in the fear that they’ll ask me to speak and then laugh at me.
I think that you should be proud of yourself for wanting to hold onto your heritage in the first place, when your family was telling you not to. You should be proud that you have taken it this far and that you are trying, most American don’t even attempt that. Of course, it won’t be easy and people will make rude comments but you also have to look at it from the outside. Do they speak another language? (Ok, maybe English but how well?) Are they out traveling the world and attempting to speak another language and learn another culture?
It’s easy to get down on yourself when others are doing it for you but try to take it with a grain of salt and be proud of what you are doing!
That photo is stunning! And I think you will really be surprised by how receptive the people are in Central America if you even give it a go speaking their language 🙂
Yeah, I’m what ppl in Cape Town refer to as “coloured”. And apparently all coloureds are supposed to speak Afrikaans. I can’t/don’t. It pisses the older generation off.
Which part of South America are you heading too?
Also I’d love to learn Spanish. I know a few words/phrases. I can order ice-cream … And my dream is to one day speak Spanish in Latin America.
I haven’t done long-term travel. I’ve to Italy for a month. But there was nothing that I worked on beforehand …
We learned some spanish before heading to S.America and learned a little bit more once there. I knew enough to get a room, find a meal, locate a bus etc…if I had too. I found I did best if the other person didn’t speak english and I was forced to use the spanish I knew. To a person, everyone was kind and generous and patient with me. Don’t be afraid – be proud of what you know and be amazed at how much more you know than you think…it will amaze you! Good luck!!
The language has me a little freaked out as well. I don’t speak any other language besides a few curse words in spanish. I should have picked up a little considering I lived in LA for 6 years and spanish is practically the native language.
Oh, so that’s how it works :/ It almost looks like being able to speak some Spanish is causing you trouble instead of helping. Weird! But I think this is just because of the bad, bad attitude of people there: “You are a shame being Latina and not being able to speak our language” – well, yes, because you’re American!
I am quite sure (even if I’ve never been there) that you will be ok in Latin America even though your Spanish isn’t perfect 🙂 People will appreciate your effort! And yes, please show that Americans speak more than a language. 🙂
@Aaron: I understand all of it but for some reason I choke when trying to speak it. You should try to find a Spanish speaking conversation group! That is what my friend is doing right now.
@Annie: It definitely means a lot to me that I’m trying super hard to speak it. I never understood why trying to speak another language is looked upon so badly (or your lack of one is as well). Thank you for being my cheerleader!
@Shannon: Thanks! My grandma was so amazing. My dad posted this picture a week or so ago and the first thing I thought to myself was, “Damn grandma, you had some style!”
@Sid: Thank you so much for commenting! It is always so interesting to hear the same issue from another place.
As for Latin America, Shaun and I will be making our way from Mexico to Argentina. So… almost everywhere? 😛 As for Spanish, at least you can order ice cream! That is awesome! This is our first introduction to long term travel – we’ve only been gone a max of 3 weeks (it is REALLY hard to get even that much time off in the US).
@Gillian: Shaun is a little worried because he doesn’t remember much from his Spanish class that he took a few years back. I can speak enough to get by when put on the spot but it bothers me that I should be able to hold conversations. We’re going to spend some time in Guatemala taking Spanish classes so that I can work on my conversations and Shaun can get on the road to any sort of fluency.
When I see people being accepting, I’m sure I’ll remember more words. 😛
@Nick: Well, I guess you have to start somewhere? lol Shaun once asked me what a certain phrase meant (that coworkers had told him to say) and I nearly died. “Don’t go around saying that, you’ll have you ass kicked.”
I lived in El Paso for 13 years so I should have been more comfortable as well. My Spanish teacher nearly killed me here in Austin for speaking that “ugly border Spanish”.
@Giulia: I didn’t have many friends growing up that spoke Spanish so I had to learn on my own. Americans just don’t generally try to speak another language. Now, I’m not categorizing EVERYONE in that but that is generally the case.
This is great! You’ll feel fantastic about it while your out, I bet. Hey, maybe we can practice some – I always felt like a jerk for not learning Spanish growing up in New Mexico, and last week I started studying it again and toning down the Korean. The university will only give me credit for Spanish!
Although.. I’m afraid my ‘que es esto?’ may forever be intertwined with my ‘igeh mwo eyo?’
I´m pasty white so most people can sniff the gringa out in me right away but I´´ve traveled with a lot of bi-racial and people of Latin heritage and I can tell you – YES people are going to say something. Because they don´t filter what they say.
But here´s the thing, they say something about everyone. My friend from Hong Kong, in Panama we had tons of people just shouting out random countries at her trying to guess where she was from. The same thing happened to a tall friend, they just yelled out GIGANTE.
One of my good friends has parents from Mexico but was born in the States and shared the same anxiety because his Spanish was okay but people did question him quite a bit and he had explaining to do.
The woman who yelled at you obviously had her own issues and scars of immigrating, don´t let her pain affect you.
It´s part of the experience of learning and growing and as much as you´ll get negative comments you´ll get twice as many positive ones from people when they hear your story.
I’m trying desperately to learn last minute Spanish because I only know a few words from studying, working and living in Miami for four years. I’ve been trying to learn the kind of Spanish they speak in South America, Argentinean castellano (did I spell that right?) to be specific. But I am going to be petrified to speak because I’m a white girl: Italian-Polish-Austrian-Russian mutt and I sound like a gringa when I speak. I can just imagine walking up to a group of locals and saying “Hola a todos! Que tal?” and getting laughed out of the barrio.
We arrive in Chile next week…if you are ever worried about your Spanish, check in with me – I’m sure to have some stories of hilarity and embarrassment for you 😉
I can relate to your post… not being multiracial, but having the language barrier. In college I spent a year studying in Buenos Aires. When I first got there, I realized my Spanish was horrible and I wasn’t able to have a conversation! (Memorizing vocabulary words in high school was not good preparation).
My accent was super “Yanqui” and I actually had a group of Argentine kids make fun of me! Every time I opened my mouth to speak, an Argentine would reply in English (even if their English was way worse than my Spanish) just so they could practice or show that their language skills were better than mine. It was really frustrating! I kept at it and became fluent and ended up majoring in Spanish.
I still get frustrated when I’m traveling somewhere (Chile springs to mind) where the locals insist on speaking English to me. I refuse and keep speaking Spanish until they cave!
If you want an ego boost, head to Brazil and speak Spanish there. They won’t notice your grammatical mistakes and will think you are from somewhere else in South America 🙂
What have I purposely gone out of my way to work on during my travels?
I make an effort to speak/use the local language even though most times I fail at it miserably.
Local people appreciate it more when you make an effort and it can open up more opportunities for you.
What a beautiful post. I hope that immersing yourself in the language will bring you the confidence to speak it clearly. It is inside you, just let it come out. Thanks for such an honest account of what scares you. We’ve all got our thing. PS, your grandmother was stunning! What an awesome picture!
I studied Spanish for years in school and then haven’t used it in just as long. I’ve been itching to learn again because I hate for the love I had for it before to go to waste. But I’ve been afraid for some reason to start over. Can’t figure it out.
It’s unfortunate that the woman yelled at you before but I hope you find supporters on the road embracing your desire to emerse yourself in the language and cultures. I have a feeling the good things ahead are bigger and better than you can currently imagine.
Buena suerte <3
THANK YOU for writing this post. I was reading this, nodding my head the entire time thinking: “I know exactly what she means!” I’m a multi-racial “mutt” myself, and despite having a father from Mexico, and all of his side of the family still living there (aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins) my brothers nor I were ever taught Spanish growing up. It always confused me so much why my parents chose to raise us English-only, and not knowing Spanish felt like a huge void in my life. I too feel a strong connection to my Latina roots, but in the past, other Latinos didn’t accept me because I “couldn’t even speak the language.” There was a time in my life where I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere racially. I was different from the white kids, and they made fun of me for being Mexican, and the Mexicans claimed I was too “white-washed.”
My desire to learn the language was one of the biggest reasons that catapulted my move to Spain. Nothing bothered me more than comments like “You’re half-Mexican and DON’T SPEAK SPANISH?!” and I decided I was over it. I came here completely unprepared in the sense that I only had a rusty memory’s worth of basic high school Spanish to go off of, and now a year later, am finally able to communicate. I’m still learning everyday, and have struggled so much with overcoming my fear of speaking the language, but have realized the only person holding me back is myself. The fear of it will be something you need to consciously work through every single day–I still do–but I can promise you that it WILL get better. Some people might say things, but in general, the people worth knowing and worth speaking to will be happy you’re trying. If it makes you feel better, when I arrived here last year, on my first day my Spanish host mom said “Christine, your Spanish is horrible!” It was so embarrassing, and disheartening, but now I use those comments to fuel my desire to continue learning. Do it for the woman who said you’re a shame to Latinas, but most importantly overcome your fears for YOU!
Thanks for having the courage to write about something many people don’t speak about–the fear people have to work through with language learning. Too many people make it seem effortless.
@Evan: Bring it. I will totally slaughter some Spanish with you on Skype. I’ll talk about some Hatch chile goodness and how amazing the pozole is here. <3
@Ayngelina: Meeting non-filtered people like me should definitely be interesting! I’m SO self conscious with my Spanish. I guess I really should get over it to really get going on my fluency. I’m just hoping the comments don’t keep me silent.
@Andrea: Good luck with your Spanish fluency lady! I think that knowing Spanish as a “gringa” can bring you so many opportunities! Please feel free to spill your stories. I’m sure I’ll have some for you soon as well. ♥
@Leslie: When I did Latin American support for said video game company, Brazilians used to get so mad at me when I would try to speak Spanish with them. “I can speak English. Do not speak Spanish to me.” It is really bizarre! They would much rather be associated with English than Spanish!
@SA Me: I’m hoping that is the case!
@Kim: Thank you! *blush* I’m hoping my Spanish self will let itself known. I know I can speak it, I just need to opportunity. And thank you for the compliment about my grandmother, she was very beautiful.
@Heather: Why hello there! I studied Spanish for 8 years respectively (throughout elementary, middle, highschool and college) and for some reason retention is SO HARD. You are such a sweetheart. I am so glad to have you here in my group of friends and loved ones.
@Christine: Oh girl I can go on a tangent. I kept this post relatively simple. I grew up in El Paso where I was always too white to be Mexican and too Mexican to be white. I went through the limbo phase that you describe and it can do numbers on your psyche! I am going to South America to make myself learn. While Shaun may be white, if and when we do have kids, I want them to know Spanish as well. He is more than willing to learn as well (I am super lucky!). I am here for you if you ever need to vent.
I’ve been there.
I speak my best spanish when I am 2 sheets to the wind as well. So now I know when we meet, I have a good idea what will happen! hahaha… I used to be fluent, now after years of no practice, not so much.
I can understand your emotional state w/ going to South America. That was why I went to Italy and it was an emotional mess for me. I cried all the way from the train ride in to the flight out. It was great though, just a real rollercoaster.
I can’t believe that woman said that to you over the phone. That is something that would have stayed with me as well. But try not to beat yourself up over it, instead look at it as an opportunity. Look at what you are doing now – wonder if she ever did that? Maybe this strange anonymous person somehow gave you the idea for this trip that just took years to germinate. Who knows what is going to happen? You can never guess now where you’ll be in a few months time.
@Bethany: Oh man, I would love to get drunk with you and speak Spanish! Sounds like an interesting time! I have never really been fluent but I can understand mostly everything.
I am so glad that you understand the crazy ass emotion ride I’m going on. I’m sure there are plenty of people but I guess since people aren’t too incredibly vocal about it, it is easy to feel alone.
OMG you look so much like your grandma!!! beautiful 🙂 mine was learning spanish! and i can say that i was scared shitless too. especially in front of francisco’s amazing, smart, wonderful family! but i bet that will fall away bit by bit once you’re there. people are so frickin’ happy to help and encourage you, and i’ve found that they just honestly appreciate the effort- even when i’ve floundered…maybe even because i was willing to flounder. i just think- you’ll be immersed- you’ll have time 🙂
oh yeah, that’s a pet peeve of a few brazilian pals of mine. it’s portuguese or english, and a big “no way” to spanish!
@Lorna: My dad was just commenting the other day how much I look like her. I’m sure it is creepy to him, but for some reason he is proud. <3 I'm wondering what Shaun is feeling. He doesn't know ANY Spanish at all. I don't think that he even remembers how to count to ten. It is going to be so awesome to see his development while we're out as well.
A mi me pasa lo mismo pero al revés, my “mother” language is spanish and I also speak English quite fluently but I come from an Italian background… which is quite confusing at times. I’ve also had the “you cannot be a Cicerone and not speak Italian” so I know that can be very frustrating.
@Xix: Very similar! Some people won’t acknowledge me unless I speak Spanish!
I hear ya sister! I’ve been learning Spanish for sooo long now. Get it all on paper, understand (most) of the grammar, but I’ll be damned if I want to open my mouth to have a proper conversation! I guess it all just comes down to letting your inhibitions go and not being afraid to make mistakes. People won’t laugh at you – they’ll most likely gently correct you. Good luck!
BTW, how gorgeous in your grandmother!
@Rebecca: When I write Spanish I am flawless and eloquent. Somehow when I open my mouth I freeze… like a deer in the headlights. And thank you for the compliment on my gma, she was absolutely stunning!